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Dating in San Francisco sucks. Or, until I meet someone I like enough to stop reflecting on this issue. While I hate to caveat, well, anything, I think it goes without saying that this critique on San Francisco dating is from the perspective of a heterosexual woman. So, please, do share your own perspective in the comments—but first: six reasons why dating in SF totally sucks… and a conclusion that you may or may not like. The Ubiquity of Dating Apps Complaining about Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, The League, and all of the other seemingly hundreds of dating apps is nothing new. I mean, am I crazy well, yes , or does it seem like people use these apps for validation just as much, or maybe more? Oh right: because you wanted to know if some random chick on the Internet thought you were attractive. Dating is a numbers game, which is why those apps have merit. But ultimately, if you meet someone you like, and they like you, you should probably go on more dates with that person.. People used to be alone and just: be alone. While it may sound terrifying not having a screen to bury your face in, it was actually kind of great. It meant that people were paying attention to the world around them, striking up conversations with strangers, and experiencing new things outside of their Internet bubble, in tangible and meaningful ways. Again, I realize this is a clichéd complaint that we all make, and yet, do nothing about. Make eye contact with someone. And then, take a selfie with them for Snapchat! Which, turns out, is a much more effective way of figuring out how you actually feel about someone, than, you know, a slew of gym selfies and generic emojis. Dating is time consuming, and sometimes, annoying as hell, yes. I should probably start adopting cats. But, as soon as the temps rise and the sundresses come out of the closets, that problem is immediately remedied. Trust me, I tried. I agee with all of the above and I certainly appreciated a well written article espousing the issues of attempting to connect with others on a romantic level. Just two other points, sex and dating are not the same. Dating for all intents and purposes is an attempt to develop into a possible long term relationship and sex is merely instant gratification that generally leads to nothing more. If the two happen to happen in the course of experience then great. Totally relatable and a great article Daisy! How about instead of using dating applications to throw a net out for a love-connection, we instead, go about our lives challenging and enriching ourselves through our hobbies? I get the sense these articles are popular because many of my peers are too afraid to go outside their comfort zone and talk to a stranger in the book store, at the climbing gym, in the grocery, or god forbid, on the street! Or maybe, I just missed the point. Your writing style is very good, but maybe, just maybe, try pursuing your hobbies and engaging folks who seems interesting in that arena? You gave it in your bio: A DOG! A big big dog, that requires great attention, food, room who has plenty of usable backyard?? Are you kidding me? A dog kills any seed of romance possible, in 95 cases in 99!! Dating is more than just a photo. Pheromones and voice count for a greater portion. Good luck out there among the English! Tonya I would love to meet one of the amazing women you mentioned above. Can I add you on FB? The FOMO factor is so, so real. Despite being an introvert woohoo for reading in bars! And while guys complain about not getting inbound messages from women, I found that women in the bay area were far more receptive to this approach than men. I got a lot more dates with ladies—and yet ended up in a relationship with an incredible guy I met on Tinder. Boy the game has changed. I have a friend who is constantly telling me that surely it must be easy to meet available guys in the city.. So right and so wrong. I left San Francisco twenty years ago thinking it was me — its not SF, its you. In NY philly etc many other cities I might have 3 dates in a week and more importantly real connection with people who would call you back and show up lol. It is a culture of validation. Because dating is paaaaaainful these days! So many times I want to smack the phone out of my never-dating-you-again guy sitting in front of me. So right, so painfully right. Then there are people like me who make sure to post pics that truly do look like me and not some amazing angle that makes me look 10 times better, but the issue is that it is assumed I am using an amazing angle and am subconsciously docked points for it. Make a standard profile video. Make short answers to questions videos. As soon as a company makes a video dating app, I think the success rate will be much better. Until then, we are left with the people who actually do follow through with plans and mislead others in the process or those who flake completely. When I saw the title I thought it was an article I read about 4 years ago … a little after I moved to SF, I was catching up aka complaining with my best friend from college, both talking about how dating sucks, for me here in SF, for her in NYC. I was working at Yahoo! Basically the long reading explains how SF attracts overachievers, and how after you subtract the geeks, the marrieds, the gays… it leaves people like us alone truly alone. I recently went to San Diego and noticed how genuine people are, and their strong family values. I broke up with a guy because after 6 months together, he refused to understand that I LIKE talking on the phone and expected him to call me once in awhile. Constant texting kills any form of intimacy. Oh, gee, excuse me for not being as relevant as your friends. Another time I met a guy after work and came up behind him at the bar. He was trolling for girls on Tinder. He recently told me he has a GF that he met on Match two months ago. As a guy who has right-swiped on Tinder and then not said anything to the girl, I can honestly say it has nothing to do with validation for me. It really is more about time and choice. And since there are so many options to pick from, I will try to focus on the top options, those people that I have more in common with or similar fitness levels, and leave the rest dormant. And yes, it all rings painfully and hilariously true for me as well, a heterosexual female over age 40, lol living in Oakland. Let me add a few more points. Being within 20 miles of two major airports on a GPS-driven dating app makes me feel like a hooker on the Barbary Coast I said, feel like. After enough dating app exposure, one cannot help but treat the entire culture as just one giant video game — as you alluded to — and one colossal pathetic social commentary. I am a straight woman in south bay. After a couple of years meeting guys in meet ups and tinder, I met my live-in boyfriend on the last one and we have been together for 1. It is actually a lottery. We met drunk dancing at Toad Hall, in the Castro. Having not dated is not for lack of trying. I used to go out to gay bars fairly often. I met a few really attractive guys with whom I really felt there was a connection. Unfortunately, they were there with their girlfriends. Straight people have a vast majority of the bars! For straight people, let me give you an analogy: Think of a deal-breaker quality a member of the opposite sex might have. Now imagine approximately 90% of the opposite sex have that quality. Then consider whatever other preferences, likes, dislikes you might have — like age, height, race, ethnicity, weight, intelligence, scent, hairiness, shape, attractiveness, political persuasion, hygiene, work-life balance, sexual compatibility, shared interest… You get the point. I did the math. As a transwoman and a lesbian, I thought it was me being trans that no one answered back even though the dating site declared us a wonderful match. Oddly, or perhaps not so odd, it is encouraging to read that cis people have this same trouble. What are these people waiting for? There is Twitter you know. Do please keep writing. You are an inspiration for all of us, even the rainbow people! And people reading this, please spare me any transphobic hate you may feel welling up. I HAVE heard it all before. I am a straight single guys, and I am moving out of San Francisco shortly, primarily because dating is awful here. When I travel elsewhere, I find women are much more likely to give you that smile, make eye contact, be approachable, and accept and go through with dates than woman in San Francisco. There is no way to say this without being considered cocky, but I get called attractive all the time. I am not saying I am gods gift to women, but I am confident and am not shy at all to approach and chat up girls. Girls are incredibly likely to flake at any moment in the process. The truth about the real problem is staring you right in the face, just look in the mirror. Did you buy into those shameful lies Disney told you? THEY ARE STORIES FOR A REASON!!! They are supposed to be like old proverbs. You are supposed to understand the lesson or moral of the story.. It is the sort of unsolicited, nonsequitor declaration that poses as throw-away small talk but is really a test. The reality is no one, except hyper kinetic 23 year old girls with fake boobs, likes to go out. San Franciscans attitude towards this reality is akin to that of Belarussian Jews towards the Nazis — they are having none of it. They are going hiking Saturday morning on Mount Tam and the departure time is 7:30 AM, right after they get back from a pre-dawn jog. This perspective is partly just a Ponzi scheme of peer pressure, a socialized pathology like Sex in the City feminism, but only in part. The casualty is that day activities are rarely conducive to large-scale social interaction. You may bump into a stranger or two at the trail head, meet another crew at the boathouse, pass some folks in the bike lane, but the sheer numbers are way, way smaller than those of a night scene. The odds are against you. Moreover, without the lubricating effect of an alcoholic buzz, randoms are less likely to start chatting away. This contributes to the oft commented upon Girl Mirages of San Francisco: veritable squadrons of pretty ladies appear out of the wood work on weekend afternoons — jogging, driving, at the counter of a coffee shop — visible for but a fleeting moment, never actually seen socially, standstill, at a bar, event, a party, or any other place where a guy could actually meet them. And herein lies the underlying, chagrining hypocrisy of day culture that even its believers can sense. Human nature is such that as much as we like sunshine and fresh air we like other humans a lot more. The core, since no one wants to say it, is that the Bay Area is an antisocial, hostile environment where people view social contact as as something wrong with another person. It is a mean and nasty and harshly superficial and narcissistic place where everyone also always assumes the worst. Add in the abominable morals of out of control SF, and so it is. I have hope, but in either a unicorn or normal person here or in another area. When did girls want one nighters more than men? Good men of the Bay not creeps, rich mean and entitled people, ruthless exploiters, etc ….. What a messed up situation. I live in la and its the same problems the poster 2 posts above me stated. Nobody will give you a chance in person. Most people wont date outside their own friends social circle other than through apps. Women are too judgemental and conceited about who theyll date, and shooting for way above their own league only to find they arnt happy because theyre only meeting idiots. Entitlement is off the charts. And getting a relationship is pretty much near possible unless you win the lottery and find a stable mature female that doesnt have dating a. Women have too many options these days, and dont know how to maturely handle them. I have a ton of female friends, and it terrifies me to see how much dick they get on a regular basis. I know 2 that literally bring a dif guy home every week thats 50 men a year theyre sleeping with. Getting laid is easy, but finding someone that actually listens and is present when youre together is a whole nother story. A lot of people there are REALLY racist, and will only date people of a certain race. Not just gay men, hetero men too. Women have a ton of pickings but a lot of them are tech nerds who they would never date. Overall SF sucks because of the mismatch. You have the really picky women, and the loser men. A friend of mine, Kristina K. I used to live in SF. Hidden yet HUGE in The City. Ended up meeting someone and got engaged. Well, now I live in Fairfield, CA. Those that settle just to be in a relationship. Been single for five years but willing to wait. Saldy for San Francisco, I only see the ugly side of amny things, like gross people going to the bathroom on muni, phone addicted narcissistic Millennials, and other things. As for dating in this city, I am terrfied to even try. It is an interesting article, surprising really. I am a single medic relocating to SF. Just looking around the streets of SF I was amazed at how many beautiful people lived there. The vibe and the dynamic of the city is invigorating. Perhaps it is easier to accept that one can fall in love with the place and forget about trying to meet their other half? Despite the IT addiction, the dating pool is so much better there than anywhere else. Chin up I agree with you. I am new to dating again.. I have been off the market since I have been 19.. However Im a man and that never works well since its 95% men. My point is simple I guess, I suck at picking up girls in bars and now apps lol. As far as you author of this page Its crazy that a woman.. Similar in other cities where there are supposedly more single women than men. I think we have become too dependent on social media for arranging social events and socializing and do not know how to handle meeting people in person. I also think dating apps have spoiled women in terms of expectation. After using them and matching with the hottest guys in the city who swipe right a lot or on everyone, they start thinking that is their league and then start ignoring other guys both on apps and offline. They also think that someone better is always a swipe away and very few dates are going to be perfect in every way, especially on the first or second date. This mentality certainly carries over offline as well. Both men and women are really busy. It costs a lot to live in SF and other major cities and companies can be very demanding. On top of that is the constant competition from your workaholic, overachiever peers, so you have to keep pushing your skills and connections outside of work. I notice an interesting cultural norm in SF. When passing a woman on the street, she will rarely make eye contact. Sometimes she might look, but the instant men look back, she will often turn away and even make a disgusted face. Sort of a passive aggressive entrapment to establish herself as superior. All my friends notice the same thing. Some men are now afraid to approach women on the street. Meet someone at work you like? So we use dating apps. But why does everyone misrepresent themselves? A fundamental lie is a bad way to start a relationship. And ordering 2 appetizers and 3 martinis before dinner and not even fake offering to split the bill? Not sure how many other dating options there are. It is so interesting to read the article and the stories. I know and am one of so many amazing smart and beautiful woman. I am super warm and playful and for and even have a PhD. You would think I would be a good catch. Men hate me, they ghost me, are flakey, ghost me, constantly ask for photos.. It is a game, it is something people do for boredom. We all need to just out down our phones as indicated. We are socially just devolving and to be honest if a guy comes up to me which happens everywhere but SF I am always appreciative and kind. I am so done dating here, it makes me sad and frustrated. I think I need to move but where?
